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[Wednesday, Jul. 25th, 2012|06:54 pm] |
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when youre young, you decide what you can and cannot take.
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[Thursday, Dec. 10th, 2009|02:01 pm] |
i removed myself from my own life.
now i feel like i'm coming back i guess and while sometimes its really fun, being high all the time with arielle and actually going out and doing things and looking forward to things, it's also really hard and sometimes i feel like i can't do it. things got so out of control without me noticing and i dont know how it happened, and i hate all the appointments and worrying my parents but i did this to myself.
i feel like a different person again but i still dont know who i am. |
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[Thursday, Aug. 13th, 2009|11:47 am] |
oh yeah and i made a facebook the other day hahaha, its so confusing but i was bored and now i see that so many people have one
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[Thursday, Jul. 2nd, 2009|09:05 pm] |
got my first paycheck today, pretty swell pretty swell
i signed up for school last week and all i have to do is wait for my scholarship thing and this other grant to come through so i dont have to be in trillions of dollars of debt,
i met with one of the professors in the photography department and he explained all the classes and it seems exciting
arielle took me to creek the other day to get my diploma
"woahhhh" "hellooooo"
uhhhhh stephanie gave me a ride home the other night and it was fun talking to her agayn
i want a car and a dog and dvr so i can record House but whats new, you cant always get what you want
i watched that movie Role Models with jeff the other night
i watched the Sex And The City movie today with myself and it was good
gonna watch No Reservations tomorrow probably
i think its the changing of my birth control that gives me no-reason-to-be-sad feelings sometimes but they go away
kevin's coming to visit next week so hopefully that means arielle and i actually hang out more :(
as well as bring back some of the old times :) |
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[Wednesday, Jun. 24th, 2009|08:46 pm] |
you fucking would.
i actually cant remember but a few times when you could actually be your own person, why would this be different. |
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[Wednesday, Apr. 22nd, 2009|08:46 pm] |
my dad just gave me a subway card for 25$ woooooo
in the air tonight gives me the chills now
aaaand that show weeds is really good |
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[Thursday, Feb. 26th, 2009|10:24 am] |
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that smile kills me, i swear. every time. |
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[Monday, Jan. 26th, 2009|08:33 am] |
"J, i gotta tell you what my poster says. It says 'Finish your beer there's sober kids in India.'"
"No. Fuck those sober kids. They need to drink."
hahahaha.
my g.pa is 3.14 haaaaaaaaaaaaaa. |
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[Tuesday, Jan. 20th, 2009|08:15 am] |
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it's amazing how a person can go from someone you "love so much" to someone you "used to know". |
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[Tuesday, Dec. 16th, 2008|07:50 am] |
i dont always listen to myself, but i do say a lot.
i think some people are put in our lives strictly so that we can learn something from them for when it's important, and then we wonder what the point of meeting them was until we really think about it. some people come and go like the weather.
don't over think things, sometimes it's okay to just have fun and be friendly. don't hold on too tight when you don't even know the person, sometimes it's reversed and it's just fun for them. dont even hold on too tight when you do know them, because people change and leave and just straight up change their minds, you know? don't ever let them know exactly how you feel either, because then you come off as weak and clingy and you can't do that, it sounds mean but it's true. you can't possibly be the best if you're the first, and neither can they. people change their minds, and sometimes you're just a rebound kind of thing, and then you might realize that they are, too, and you're not as interested as you thought. pay attention to the feeling, and know the difference between that and the person, because in reality you probably don't actually want the person, you just want to be wanted. going straight to sex basically eliminates the possibility of anything more most of the time, unless you both really want it, which hasn't been the case; if they're a dick just stop while you're ahead because they won't change just for you, but when they finally do for themselves, after you're done with them, it's nice to just talk. don't get caught up in what you're doing; have fun while you can, let go. sometimes its fun to prove to yourself that you can do things just for fun, and then when he finds out it might feel good that he's mad. some people go searching for things in everyone, when really what they want is in a person that they already have. the kids who consistently tell you something most likely don't mean it and arent who you think they are. sometimes when you push people away it's just really easy for them to stay away, even though what they've said to you contradicts that. you always want to say something but you can't get it out right so maybe they take it a different way than you meant it. and then sometimes people come into the picture really inconveniently and then they do or say something really unexpected, like "go for who you want, not who you think you can get," and surprise you, and you don't really like them much for making you think, but you can't help but be interested, when you're drunk.
friends were invented so that you get a break from all the bullshit that boys feed you. just kidding. they're for that too, but not as much as so you don't have to go through things alone, and so that you have people to share with and be happy for. i think you make the most mistakes with them, either that or with your family. everything is two-way and you have to be real, like face to face. i think if anyone means that much, it shouldn't matter what they do with some of their time as long as they're still reachable and not totally out of themselves as a person and how they treat you. if people are shitty to you, it doesn't give you a reason to be shitty back, but maybe you should just realize things and think about if it's actually worth it. sometimes even when it is worth it there's nothing you can do. sometimes i think about what if i just saw you and walked up and hugged you one day, and what you would do. i have no idea what you would do. i don't think anyone should hold grudges, but that's a dumb thing to think because you do, even if you don't want to. people disappear and it seems like unless you change your whole self, they won't re-appear, ever.
it occured to me the other day that maybe you have to re-feel the parts of your life that were the worst, and each time you do that, they hurt less and then you just move on. you can't live if you don't move on. being alive is something a lot of people don't notice.
time is what we have and what we don't have and i think everyone should do what makes them happy for that specific moment of their lives. |
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[Thursday, Nov. 27th, 2008|02:12 pm] |
Happy Thanksgiving!
my parents, emily and jack,
rachel, arielle, b33zy, becky <333333333
the things i've learned
where i live
that my mother cooks wonderful food.
all the fun i have with the girls
'fun' including pi and drankin,
that there are people that i trust/make me laugh/are always here for me in my life
that there are great things in the world that can help you, make you feel better, make you see things in a whole new way,
and just that i'm happy.
last night arielle and i tried to go on an adventure to the park, and we did, except it was possibly the scariest thing you've ever encountered when you walk down there at night, so we got there and came right back.
the other day we watched The Squid and The Whale, then later i watched The Jane Austen Book Club, and this morning we watched P.S I Love You. |
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[Monday, Nov. 10th, 2008|11:52 pm] |
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well, we're not low. |
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[Friday, Nov. 7th, 2008|10:44 am] |
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i wonder if all you needto be happy/successful/comfortable in life is to trust the world. you can't say for sure that fate is real or that everyone has one, you know? but what if there is, and all you need to do to ensure that your life is the way it's supposed to be, and that you are the happiest you can be at any given time, is to trust the world. i dont know... think about something that you're really happy about or just something that happened. and think about the things that happened to make that happen. all the things that led up to it. all the people you met before it, everything you said and everything you did. what if any one second of time was different before that happened?it could change the way your life is now so much. doesnt it make you think that maybe it was supposed to happen or that you were supposed to be in that place at that time? free will is the only thing that stops people from believing in stuff like that, i think. because you always have a choice. you cant just sit around and expect your life to turn out how you want it to. you have choices, and i think it's good that you have choices because they change your life, even if you dont notice right away. it might take years, you know? and then you look back and you're like, if i hadn't done that, if that hadn't happened, i wouldnt even be in this place right now, with these people. and even sometimes when you make the wrong choice, in the end everything is fine and you're happy. so you cant be like, oh, i made the right choice so that means i'll be happy. i'm not saying you should just make wrong choices but i dont know. i dont know what im saying really. its just weird. i think im just weird. i think way too much. |
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[Thursday, Nov. 6th, 2008|12:15 pm] |
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it's weird when you see something, or think of something, that hurt you before, like even just a few months ago, but when you look at it or think of it now it just doesn't. you just don't feel anything because it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. it's kind of nice. |
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[Wednesday, Nov. 5th, 2008|07:59 am] |
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i dont want to want anything for the same reason that i dont want to let myself have feelings for any of the boys i meet. i want to avoid being sad at all costs. |
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[Tuesday, Oct. 28th, 2008|07:34 am] |
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once you have some of your own blistex you cant live without itttttttt ! |
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[Monday, Oct. 6th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
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shit. talk about unexpected. |
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| you won’t get better till you’re worse. |
[Wednesday, Oct. 1st, 2008|07:07 pm] |
| [ | ears |
| | tegan & sara - dont confess | ] |
iiiii just feel like writing something right now, so this is going to be long and pointless, except it wont be pointless to me because it'll mean something to me, but whatev. it will give rachel something to read in photo, if she gets on, or whatever. :)
i love music that means something, you know? like change. like all that 60s, 70s and 80s music that meant the start of everything, revolutions, love, and basically just the idea of being alive, shit like that. i never realized it before but all of it means different things and it's something like inspirational to listen to it.
which is really something i feel i'm lacking in lately. i can't find it when i need photos for class, or when i'm doing shit for computer graphics. only when i'm writing. i think about so much lately, and it's so weird but i like it. it keeps me occupied. i get confused and frusterated as hell with myself, but i feel like i learn. or not that i learn, but it's like i feel better that i'm thinking about it instead of putting it in the back of my thoughts. that made no sense. ummm. i'd rather think about how to handle something than try to ignore it, i guess.
i feel emptiness sometimes. and you would think it would make me sad, or make me feel down, but it doesn't in the least bit. it's like instead of feeling sorry for myself for feeling empty, i get excited because i can't wait to see who or what is going to fill it. my friends fill it. the people i hang out with fill it. new friends fill it. nice words fill it. smiling fills it. laughing until i cry fills it. music fills it. being alive, and doing things that actually make me feel alive fills it. you know? like when you just feel alive, like you're meant to be wherever you are. that's what does it for me.
my insides hurt so fucking much the beginning of this year, helpless, defensless, vulnerable, and just empty. neverending like. i woke up every single day and my heart was always beating so hard, and it hurt. i dreamed all the time about the same thing, and i guess it was because i was somehow making up for it subconciously because i didn't have it in real life anymore. but i'd wake up and just cry. i didn't eat and that's the only time i can ever remember being so upset that i couldn't eat. i just wanted it back, and i remember trying so hard and making myself look so fucking pathetic and i felt that way for months. i'm sure that's the worst feeling ever - feeling so helpless, like you won't ever have again what you feel like you need. and it just seems so impossible. it's like you go so long with this happiness, and then it's gone and you can't ever imagine being happy without it.
but the thing that strikes me as the strangest thing out of it all, is that i never ever cried in front of my best friend. i just never did. i cried to my mom, mostly, and my sister would be there, and one time i cried in latin, but that's really the only time i did outside of my house. it's just that you'd figure with how close rachel and i are, and how much we've been through, and especially because she knew more about it than anyone because she was really close with him too, that i would have at least shown some of how i was feeling to her. i really don't know why i didn't, i know she would have been there and understood. i guess i just hated people knowing how little i felt.
but all of that is so far gone now, i even think i'm happier than i was. i think i was comfortable, and now i'm really honestly happy. the emptiness is different, it's more like potential to not be empty now where before it was just the sad kind of empty. sometimes i just feel so positive, and in such a good mood that i just want to feel like that forever. and i know i can't but it's fine because i'll just wait for the next time i feel like that. i love my life when i live in the moment. i just love it all, and even though i have no idea what i'm going to be doing in my future, or how i'm going to get there, or what could happen along the way, i don't care because i feel like right this second is more important. shaping who i'm going to be, feeling alive, being seventeen. because i'm allowed, and even if i wasn't, i'd do it anyway.
all these people that came into my life these past 2 months brought more fun and memories than i could ever imagine. i dont care anymore about stupid shit that doesnt make a difference anyway. i got some guts today, even though talking to a cute boy can't be considered guts for alot of people, it felt different for me and i'm aware that that sounds beyond gay. it was just like an example, just with everyone and everything, that you just have to try, and you'll be proud of yourself. wondering 'what if' sucks, if you could have helped it.
ive been sitting here with this for like an hour now, so i guess i should be done. i don't feel done, but my train of thought got all fucked up so now i'm not saying everything i meant to say. i'm sleeeeeping tomorrow. afkljsldkvjad now i'm frusterated.
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[Friday, Sep. 26th, 2008|01:14 pm] |
the weather has been gorgeous lately.
last night arielle and i did sooo much walking, around the city center and stuff. and then today we didn't go to school :) and hopefully tonight works outtttt. |
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[Tuesday, Jul. 15th, 2008|01:28 pm] |
warped tour was wonderful. i saw every avenue, anberlin, jack's mannequin, the apathy eulogy, a day to remember, the academy is..., angels & airwaves, cinematic sunrise, cobra starship, the devil wears prada, every time i die, forever the sickest kids, mayday parade, maylene and the sons of disaster, norma jean, say anything, we the kings, and against me! that's what i can remember anyway. i might be missing some haha. between the trees couldn't play cause of stages and schedualing or something, but hashsadjkhasdkasd it was still so so great. i cant even think of good enough words. this is probably going to be long cause i have so much to say haha.
when we got there we were waiting in line listening to different band's music that walked by and asked us to listen, and we all were wearing white v-necks except jess was in a white t-shirt and we got named a lot. like the plain white v's and teh white parade and stuff. so then this girl comes up from the side and asks us to help her hand out free stuff to promote anberlin, and we could pick a band and go see them backstage and keep our stuff in the tent so we wouldnt have to carry it. so rachel and i picked the academy is..., margo and arielle picked mayday parade, and jess went to every time i die. idk, it was fun but being backstage really wasnt worth it, you couldnt hear anything and you had to stay behind this line, we didnt get to meet them, and i couldnt get very good pictures cause they were facing the crowd the whole time. i would have rather been in the crowd, but oh well. :)
during every time i die i crowd surfed! ive never done that before and i didnt really even think about it, i just told rachel to get me up there and she did and then i lost my shoe, but arielle got it for me. :) and then we helped arielle do it during tdwp. and during forever the sickest kids i got caleb's guitar pick and austin signed our stuff. :D anddd when rachel and i were watching cinematic sunrise, craig owens got all up on the crowd and we were in the front row and it was great<333.
i got a the color fred shirt, jack's mannequin, pierce the veil and the academy is and a whole bunch of free posters and stickers. and the white shirt i was wearing is so dirty, and the jack's mannequin one too cause i changed.
we stayed pretty much the whole time until after the devil wears prada was done, and then we went to the hotel and got in the pool and took showers and ate, and then yesterday we woke up and went shopping at the outlet mall. we went home and then later we all went out to eat at McK's and ryan came but margo didn't. arielle and i played pool against jess and ryan. then we went to walmart and came home. i'm leaving for ohio in a couple hours and i'll be back wednesday or thursday next week. i want to go cause it's my family, but i'm going to miss everyone here. :[
here's the pictures from warped tour: :D
i got stepped on and jumped on and kicked and i got more dirty and smelly than i ever have in my life probably but if i could do that every day for the rest of my life i definetely would. :)<3 |
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unexpecteddd's journal